This is the End

My last day of high school was May 25. I still really can’t believe it. The days seem to stretch together into this unbeing, this unhappening mass of time that slides, simply, slowly from one day to the next. To be honest, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not quite sure how I will ever do anything with the unending stretch of time in front of me. There is so much time and so little to do, but the world doesn’t seem to care about my problems. Time stops for no one, and so, I must rise each day to an open expanse of nothing and wonder how people live in a world that is not defined by sharp, computer-generated tones shrilling every day at the precise time they mean to. This summer feels like an amorphous blob, as does the years beyond. Will I ever stop feeling the pressure of the rest of my life waiting for me to do something with it? How can one possibly survive?

Thank you so much for reading.

See you soon…

~Susie

Chorus of the Day:

Suddenly I'm overcome

Dissolving like the setting sun

Like a boat into oblivion

Cause you're driving me away

Now you have me on the run

The damage is already done

Come on, is this what you want

Cause you're driving me away

Last Chorus of the Day:

Lost in Stereo by All Time Low

On AP Exams and Stupidity

AP exams tend to be horrible, awful, terrifying things that suck the soul right out of your body. I can testify to this, certainly, given my history with the tests. I took AP US History two years ago, AP Literature, AP Language, and AP Calculus AB last year, and both AP Physics exams and AP Calculus BC this year. Now, the reason that AP tests are so difficult, in my opinion, is that they are designed to measure your intelligence. Not how much you know about a subject, but how much you can figure out about it in three hours, based on a year’s worth of class. When you look at them this way, it makes perfect sense that the tests would be soul-crushingly difficult. You are being asked to work on a level that most high school students never experience.

However, my AP exams have not all been horrible, awful, terrible, or soul-sucking. One of my most recent exams, AP Calc BC, was an almost enjoyable experience. Now, you may be shaking your head in wonder or going through the last paragraph, wondering what I got wrong. Hear me out.

I shouldn’t have taken the BC exam.

I don’t have an actual BC course, just an online class that I should be finishing right at the moment I type these words, and that online class didn’t teach me much about how Calculus should be done. So, I went into the exam with little knowledge of anything more advanced than AB. This sounds like a nightmare—one of mine, to be exact.

It wasn’t. Taking the exam was almost enjoyable. I gave myself permission to not know the answers, so I didn’t beat myself up when I didn’t. Every question I could complete was a pleasant surprise, so I spent the time being positive instead of negative. And, I no longer cared what the AP graders thought of me. They could give me whatever grade they wanted and I would be pleasantly surprised by all of it. There was just so much weight off my shoulders.

Also, I had a ton of extra time in which to write poetry in my head and design Sims houses. I had a lovely time, and then I left, easy as that. There’s something freeing about forgetting to care what other people think of you. Whatever I get on that BC exam will not be a reflection of me and my abilities, no matter what. My Physics exams, on the other hand…

Thank you so much for reading.

See you soon…

~Susie

Chorus of the Day:

She's dancing alone

I'm ready to go but she's so

Lost in stereo, lost in stereo

She's out of control, so beautiful

In stereo, lost in stereo

And I've been waiting for so long

But she'll never know

I'm losing hope 'cause she's so

Lost in stereo, lost in stereo

Lost in stereo, lost in stereo

Last Chorus of the Day:

Miss Atomic Bomb by The Killers

I Love Basically Every Single Avenger

I was talking with my friends last week, and we decided that the most amazing thing about the Avengers is that we are in love with most of them. And I will go through them now.

Iron Man/Tony Stark

I absolutely love Tony. For one thing, he is a super genius and I have learned that I am attracted to intelligence above all else. However, he is so much more than smart these days. He is funny, kind, loving, a wonderful father figure, and a great team player. He works as hard as he can to save the world and he is willing to give up everything he owns to defeat the forces of evil.

Thor

I was once challenged to name a man sexier than Thor. I capitulated. I mean, come on, look at that face. He's crazy handsome—and just plain crazy, but that only makes me love him more. Who else can laugh in the face of such terrible danger? He just needs a hug to help him through the loss of literally everyone he cares about.

Hulk/Bruce Banner

I'm not the Hulk's biggest fan, but I did like him better in Infinity War than ever before, but I am insanely attracted to Bruce Banner. He is Tony Stark but with more of the good qualities and fewer of the crazy drunk uncle qualities.

Captain America/Steve Rogers

I think it is impossible not to love Steve. He is just so pure and good. He is trying his best in a world that he doesn't truly belong in, fighting to save a time he doesn't truly know and working with people, not simply ordering them, in an attempt to save a world he has come to love and appreciate. Steve Rogers has given up everything he has ever known, and he remains calm, focused, and loving, just the kind of person you want to hug for an hour. He needs it.

Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff

Natasha is a damn attractive woman. I'm not sure I like the blonde, but I do like her. Dry wit and drop kicks is a beautiful combination, and Natasha manages to make everything look good, no matter what.

Dr. Stephen Strange

Dr. Strange is pretty great. Not only are his powers amazing, but he is an attractive man. However, his personality could use some work. I can't fault him for his undying desire to protect the earth, though.

War Machine/Rhodey

Rhodey deserves a hug. I want to give him one. He earned it.

Spider-Man/Peter Parker

Not only is Peter insanely smart, but he is insanely cute too. He is funny and adorable, and I just want to kiss him forever. Although, I wish he were a bit older than high school because high school sucks and I want to forget it after I graduate in like two weeks.

Black Panther/T'Challa

T'Challa is amazing. He is a wonderful leader and he is tireless in protecting his people. This is a leader I could get behind. Unfortunately, he is not real. Still love him.

Vision

Vision is weird for me. He is part JARVIS, which makes me want to love and protect him. However, Vision has always felt like a bit of a throw-away character for me. I don't think that he was set up well at the beginning of his MCU journey, which makes any attempts to characterize him at this point awkward.

Scarlet Witch/Wanda Maximoff

Wanda is amazing. She is a boss and I just love her. I wish that she could have happiness, but she seemed to have 'DOOM' written on her forehead the moment she walked onto the screen. I just want to hold her and hug her and love her.

Falcon/Sam Wilson

Sam Wilson is something else. He is funny on a whole different level and amazingly loyal. He didn't have much screen time in this film, though, and that made me sad. However, nothing can top his 'so you like cats' line in Civil War.

Winter Soldier/Bucky Barnes

I think Sebastian Stan is pretty cute, but I don't think that he was characterized very well in the movies. He is like Vision to me; he could have been good, but he started off on the wrong foot and hasn't been able to recover.

Loki

First off, I would like to thank the maker of this poster since Marvel didn't see fit to actually release a Loki one. I wanted to talk about Loki even though he isn't really on the team because I love him so much. Tom Hiddleston is amazing, and he brought such a depth and gravitas to Loki that the character seems to step right off the screen. I think that his portrayal of Loki is truly amazing, and I want to love him forever, to hold him until the pain goes away, to fix everything and see him smile. However, maybe the magic of Loki is his pain. I'm not quite sure, to be honest.

Mantis

Mantis is amazing. She is so funny and cute and I just want to be her best friend and play pranks with her.

Nebula

Can we just right now acknowledge that Karen Gillan is hot and amazing? So is Nebula. She is smart as a whip and sharp as a tack and doesn't take anything from anybody. I think she is the most amazing person and I wish that we could see more of her in the future.

Drax the Destroyer

I think Drax is funny and I like him, but I wouldn't say I love him. He just isn't my cup of tea, to be honest.

Groot and Rocket

These two are something else. It would be hard for me to love Groot any more than I already do. He is so funny and cute and just always ready to do the right thing, which is a nice contrast to snarky, I'm-just-in-this-for-myself Rocket. The two are a truly amazing pair.

Gamora

I love Gamora. She is amazing from head to toe and can basically do no wrong. She's beautiful, powerful, and strong, almost able to defeat her demons (Thanos) single handedly. However, she fails to humanize people often and doesn't let emotions get in the way of her personal goals. And I can't help but love her for it.

Star-Lord/Peter Quill

I know that everyone in the whole entire world is hating on Star-Lord right now, but I still love him. In his place, I don't think I would have done anything differently, and I respect his love for Gamora. He was in a horrible situation that is awful for his mental health and he made a bad choice. I did that just this morning. Sure, I didn't destroy half the universe, but I also didn't lose someone that I care about to a weird purple freak.

So, the Avengers are all heartthrobs, who knew, right? Also, that movie ripped my guts out through my chest and mashed them on the floor. There will be a review eventually.

See you soon...

~Susie

Chorus of the Day:

Miss Atomic Bomb

Making out, we've got the radio on

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

Racing shadows under moonlight

Through the desert on a hot night

And for a second there we'd won

Yeah, we were innocent and young

Last Chorus of the Day:

Green Light by Lorde

Just About Me.

There must be something wrong with society, right? Like, there must be something wrong that I feel guilty when I want people to pay attention to me. That’s messed up, right? Why is it so hard for me to express my desires. I somehow feel like it is wrong for me to want. But, I don’t think it is wrong for me to want some recognition as I’m graduating. But I do. There are two parts of me: the calm, logical part, and the scared, anxious part who are at war with one another. The logical part says it is perfectly fine for me to want attention as I approach something so big and important. The anxious part says I can only push people away. The sad thing is, most of the time, the anxious part is winning. I mean, I’m already not having a graduation party. And my grandparents might not be able to come, due to circumstances that are absolutely, positively not their fault. It still hurts. Not the party; I don’t want a party. What I did want was for everyone to come, give me a hug, and then watch me walk across the stage. Is that too much to ask for? I had hoped not, but I am beginning to think so.

I’m gonna go ahead and apologize right now if this didn’t make sense. I’m not entirely lucid right now, so, not expecting big things here. Also, my apologies for the lateness. It's been a weird week. Also, I did not realize how short this one is. Again, my apologies.

See you soon...

~Susie

Chorus of the Day:

But I hear sounds in my mind
Brand new sounds in my mind
But honey I'll be seein' you, ever, I go
But honey I'll be seein' you down every road
I'm waiting for it, that green light, I want it
'Cause honey I'll come get my things, but I can't let go
I'm waiting for it, that green light, I want it
Oh, I wish I could get my things and just let go
I'm waiting for it, that green light, I want it

Last Chorus of the Day:

Now or Never by Halsey

What I'm... No. 16

Bringing this blog back means bringing back its most enduring series, so here it is. I just want to say a quick thank you for reading the last post, and reiterate my apologies for abandoning this for so long.

Reading:
Books:
Star Wars: The Last Jedi by Jason Fry

This book was really amazing. It took the best parts of the movie and kept them, the worst parts and lessened them, plus there is a ton of content in this book that wasn't in the movie. Like, what is C-3PO thinking? Luke's darkest dreams? Finn's emotions toward Rey and Rose? I also like that the author chose to downplay the emotions between Rey and Kylo, reducing them to a savior and someone refusing to be saved, instead of the convoluted potential-lovers thing the movie had going on.

Making Space by Thich Nhat Hanh

This book was simple and helpful, just enough information, never too much. I love the idea of a consistent home meditation space, and I definitely want to integrate that desire into my future life.

Hi, Anxiety by Kat Kinsman

This book made me anxious. That's not a bad thing, necessarily. I knew it was going to make me anxious before I started reading it; everything that mentions anxiety does that. However, after I got past the anxiousness, I was left with an understanding of another person's anxiety, something that might help me handle my own.

Star Wars: Phasma by Delilah S. Dawson

This book was fascinating. It really would not let me put it down. This whole story is something I wish the movies would have covered. Phasma could have been such an amazing character, but she was largely ignored by the films. This book finally does her justice and explains the chrome armor.

Bringing Columbia Home by Michael D. Leinbach and Jonathan H. Ward

This book was emotionally draining and extremely interesting. I really did not know much of what happened after Columbia hit the ground. The recovery efforts were gargantuan, and the way they were written about was so genuinely touching. I cried frequently when reading.

The Magnolia Story by Chip and Joanna Gaines with Mark Dagostino

This book was really cute and a very quick read. I enjoyed it.

The Ministry of Utmost Happiness by Arundhati Roy

I really love this book. It captures what I imagine to be the spirit of India, a nuanced portrait of a country that is often reduced to stereotype in Western media. It truly has the capability of becoming a classic of our time, especially because it elevates voices that are not often heard in media, especially outside of India.

Streampunks by Robert Kyncl with Maany Peyvan

This book is fascinating. So many statistics I did not know. Plus, it offers nuanced and generous portraits of YouTubers I have come to love and explains how they made themselves into the media giants they are.

Listening:
Music:
Paramore

I am still loving After Laughter. It is a really good album that I very much enjoy listening to, just like all their other music.

Fall Out Boy

I am very much enjoying M A  N   I    A, which I did not think I would, based on the singles released. However, I really enjoy the way the album fits together. My favorite song is either The Last of the Real Ones, which is becoming my anthem, or Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) because I just love the quotes.

The Killers

Wonderful, Wonderful is possibly my favorite album ever. I really love the way that the tracks flow into each other, and I love all of the songs individually as well.

Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness

I still love the sound of Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness. I think he has really captured a type of sound that I love to listen to. Really, really enjoy this music.

PVRIS

PVRIS is great. It was hard to get into their music at first because the sound of it is quite different to what I normally listen to, but I really do enjoy the music now that I have spent more time with it. Additionally, their second album is named after an Emily Dickinson poem, so you can't go wrong with that.

Misterwives

Misterwives is amazing. They have a really cute and fun sound, and the songs are a great pick me up after a long day.

Podcasts:
Dear Hank and John

This podcast is hilarious. I have spoken before about how much I love the Green Brothers, and that love has not diminished in any way. I think that all their work is amazing and world-changing, though this podcast less so. However, it is very funny and exactly the sort of thing that one listens to while doing the dishes or some other mindless chore.

The Anthropocene Reviewed

This podcast is almost better than Dear Hank & John. The episodes are the perfect length, and John's views on his chosen topics are equal parts funny and insightful.

Caliphate

I really cannot say enough good about this podcast. These are important stories, and they need to be told accurately and broadly. This is only a drop in the bucket, but its portrayal of the Islamic State takes a faceless monster and shows that there are people within that movement we should feel pity for, even as we condemn ISIS as a whole. This whole situation is filled with people who are stuck in situations they cannot escape, hemmed in by factors they cannot control.

Watching:
Movies:
Star Wars: The Last Jedi

This movie was not what I needed it to be. It was an adequate movie, but, deep down in my heart, I feel like I deserved something more. I don't want to say anything bad about the actors or the director, however, just like in The Force Awakens. I think there is just something deep within the Hollywood model that resists making the films that the Star Wars franchise deserves. Part of the magic of the Original Trilogy is the underdog-ness of it, not only of the characters but the movie itself. That is impossible to replicate with a billion dollar budget, no matter how hard you try. That said, did I hate the movie? Absolutely not. Except for all the thinly veiled romantic tension, there was really nothing to complain about. But, can someone get on the Finn and Poe train? Because that is the romance we all deserve.

Thor: Ragnarok

This movie was something else. And I loved every second of it. This was the movie that I feel like I deserved, the Thor I should have been seeing the whole time. This was funny, this was deep, this was light-hearted, this was almost crushingly sorrowful. There are scenes that reach an almost elegiac quality, and other scenes when you crush your ribs with laughter. But none of it seems out of place. My sister described this movie as "the most chaotic neutral movie ever". I must agree. There is really no better way to describe it.

Moana

While we are talking about movies I love, let's touch on Moana. Moana is made for a generation of girls who are not here to take your crap. Moana is made for people that want to laugh while they cry while they laugh. Moana is made for the human race. It understands humanity right at the core and builds up from there. Plus, Alan Tudyk plays a funny rooster, so what's not to love?

Beauty and the Beast (Live Action)

This movie could have been amazing. And it was pretty great, except for when Robot Watson sings. Emma Watson is a wonderful Belle, but they should have hired someone else to sing for her if they were going to autotune her voice to the point where you can't even tell if she's British or not. Other than that, this movie is pretty great. It looks visually stunning, and I love all the castle characters. And I loved to hate Gaston, as per usual. However, this movie was little more than a pretty remake of the original. At least Cinderella had a slightly different plot. This is just a slightly less good version of a classic Disney movie, but I don't hate it. In fact, I'm ashamed to say I kinda liked it.

TV:
Star Trek: The Original Series

Honestly, it's amazing how I watch this show when I hate William Shatner with such a burning passion. However, there are some gems hidden in the mostly fluffy pile of fake science and nonsense. I enjoyed Trouble with Tribbles (god help me), and my favorite episode is the Edge of the City of Forever, or whatever it's called. Plus, who cannot be forced to fall in love with Bones at least once an episode? The real shame about this show is that they let William Shatner force them into letting so many great characters fall by the wayside—all for the betterment of Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I LOVE THIS SHOW!!! It is so funny and cute and culturally relevant and hip and amazing and weird and so totally unlike anything else on network TV. I could not love Jake Peralta more (he reminds me of a really good friend) and I am so totally Amy Santiago. Plus, Captain Holt is literally impossible not to love.

Supernatural

This show and I have a love-hate relationship (at this point, mostly hate). But, they brought Felicia Day back!!!! And, I am contractually obligated to love anything that gives her work, so here I am, loving Supernatural again.

Charmed

I am incapable of loving Charmed. Because of its time period and general feel, it reminds me overwhelmingly of Buffy. Charmed is much worse than Buffy. Every episode leaves me wanting to watch Buffy. Buffy is no longer on Netflix. I cannot watch Buffy. Therefore, every episode of Charmed makes me sad. Aside from that, it's a decent show.

The Flash

I have not been watching The Flash as much as I would like lately, but I do love what I have seen of Season 4 so far. The Thinker absolutely terrifies me, and I am not in love with the big Nazi crossover thing, but overall, pretty decent season.

Sherlock

I had forgotten how beautifully and intricately this show was made. Every episode of Sherlock feels like a work of art, like a tapestry exquisitely woven to further the story in amazing ways. The show is an experience, and every scene feels very beautifully done. That being said, the show is not perfect. There are definitely some things that could be fixed. And, before I go, I must add that I love Moriarty to death. He is such a great villain and Andrew Scott is an amazing actor.

Queer Eye

I love Queer Eye. This show is so wonderful and uplifting at a time when so few shows are. I mean, do you know of any other place where gay people and Trump supporters share screen time without anyone yelling? There is some sort of quiet magic about this show, and I could not love it any deeper. Every episode just makes me feel so happy.

YouTube:
vlogbrothers

As you have all probably gathered by this point, I love the Green Brothers. They make amazing videos that inspire me and educate me, and they do it all with style and pizzazz.

Dan & Phil

These two idiots are more lovable and adorable than anyone else I watch. The two of them are absolutely dysfunctional, but that only adds to their charm.

Geek & Sundry

I have spoken about my love of G&S before. I would just like to reiterate for those who don't know. I think the entire cast of Critical Role is brilliant and amazing. I also dearly love Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day. TableTop is all worth watching, but I really love the Forbidden Desert episode. (By the way, Forbidden Desert is an amazing game.)

Melanie Murphy

I really love Melanie Murphy. Her channel is funny and engaging, while still being serious and full of advocacy. She loves Star Wars and talking about sex, long artsy vlogs and short chats, her fans, and her family. I think that Melanie has a sort of inbred charisma that you can't teach. Plus, she is gorgeous and remarkably chameleonlike. Every video, Melanie is rocking a different vibe, and she looks gorgeous in all of them. One of the most remarkable things about this girl is that she seems completely comfortable in her own skin, no matter how she has decided to dress it up. This is another thing that is wonderfully inspiring about Melanie since she is an eating disorder survivor who has now stepped into her own skin in a way few people ever do.

Hannah Witton

Hannah, as you may be able to tell from this picture, is an infectious and loveable personality. Recently, she got a stoma after a flare-up in her colon. Now she is using this life event to diversify her platform, and is not afraid, in any way, of talking about this event in her life.

Lucy Moon

Lucy Moon is the big sister I wish I had. I began watching her videos in earnest last year because she reminded me of one of my idols and newspaper editors. Lucy is different, however, and has captured my attention and my love in her own way. She is beautiful, charismatic, funny, and brutally honest. She features other creators around her and talks relentlessly about her own mental health issues. She is honest about her feelings, uncompromising in her beliefs, and unapologetic in her lifestyle. Her blog also fills me with happiness, but her videos are where she really shines, as her voice sails through the internet and into one's ears. I love Lucy's commitment to herself and her fans, her belief in a better world, and her desire to help those around her who are also trying to make it on the internet.

Mary Kate Wiles

I am certain that you know I love Mary Kate Wiles. I think she is an amazing actress, and, moreover, funny, genuine, and devoted to her fans. I love watching her in every project she has taken on, and look forward to more in the future.

Shipwrecked

If you like literature, ghosts, time travels, microwaves, ironic alcohol drinking, dysfunctional cops, ravens, invisible girls, rocks, mustaches, or murder, you need to watch Edgar Allan Poe's Murder Mystery Dinner Party. Not only does this show feature Mary Kate Wiles, but it also brings together caricatures of some of the best writers of the nineteenth century. What happens when H.G. Wells meets Ernest Hemingway? What is Louisa May Alcott doing with her life? Does everyone have a vault for dead bodies in their house? Then, after you watch Poe Party, watch the Case of the Gilded Lily, the funniest film noir out there. What other short film have you seen that quotes Closing Time in the opening monologue? Also, everything else on Shipwrecked is hilarious and truly worth watching.

Tin Can Brothers

The Tin Can Brothers are very similar to Shipwrecked, but with more music. If you ever want to watch a musical James Bond or Scooby Doo spoof, look no further than the Tin Can Brothers.

Team StarKid

StarKid is the parent of the Tin Can Brothers. This channel features musicals about a variety of topics: Harry Potter, Batman, Harry Potter, cave people, Harry Potter, Oregon Trail (The Game!), Harry Potter, Aladdin, and Harry Potter. All of these are very good.

That's all for now! Thank you for reading.
See you soon...

~Susie
Chorus of the Day:

Never pick up, never call me

You know we're runnin' out of time

Never pick up when you want me

Now I gotta draw a line

Baby I done, done enough talking

Need to know that you're mine

Baby we done, done enough talking

Gotta be right now, right now

Last Chorus of the Day:
Caught in the Middle by Paramore